Fool us once, we should have guessed it. Fool us twice, we’re still idiots. Ahhh the tourist traps. Kitty and Santa tried their best to stay away from the them but within the first few weeks in Thailand found themselves buying into luxurious trips which ended in no such manner. Their first mistake was planning a lovely family outing in Phuket, an island hopping cruise!
“A private boat offers the flexibility to choose those perfect snorkeling places away from the crowds and, when the tides and water clarity are perfect. Boats are comfortable and fast, fitted with all safety equipment and have large covered areas. Wine & dine yourself while enjoying the beautiful surroundings that the islands of Thailand have to offer ” Kitty, and Santa scanned the cover of the trifold OooOOoo-ing and AhhhHhhh-ing. THIS is something they had to do.
What the pamphlet really should of said was… ” Welcome abroad you spotted cows, you. We are going to shove 500 people jammed onto a loud and slow barge with plastic chairs and terrible snacks. (Kitty and Santa can’t stand when the snacks are bad)….
We will transport you at 4 miles an hour to an island where you won’t even be able to see the sand because so many people are standing shoulder to shoulder on the beach trying to get a photo. We then will push you all into the water to snorkel! As you grab your gear be sure to check out our photo exhibit of all the people who were injured in the water! We hope the bloody messes in all the photos will gear you into excitement to jump right in and explore (SAFETY IS ALWAYS NUMBER ONE FOR US, as you can tell we have no idea how to stop all the blood, we only have bandaids on board. We wont tell you how to stay safe but hey, this is an adventure. Figure it out or we will add you to the poster!).
So enjoy your snorkeling, except you wont see any fish, you’ll only see legs of the person you were sitting next to on the boat. 500 people floating together with their heads dunked under the water, It’ll take you right back in time to your favorite Titanic moment, but with warm water!! After an hour of watching different color board shorts and bikini bottoms flounder around next to you we will let you back onto the boat to sit some more. If your thirsty, grab a warm beer for $5.00 or some saltine crackers for 3 small payments of $19.95. BUT don’t worry, you’ll make your money back on our all you can eat island buffet. We offer a fine selection of local mystery meats smothered in something weird and a chef’s special of hard, old white rice. When you finished eating say MOOOOOO and get back on line to board the ship. If you get there early enough you may even get to sit down in a chair! After just a short hour and no free time on the island we will head back to beautiful Phuket. I’m sure everyone will be exhausted and crabby from a 7 hour tour of nothingness. Our staff will be sure to hide from everyone during this time. Thank you and please, please YELP your exceptional experience aboard the WORST CRUISE IN THE WOLRD.”
So Kitty and Santa made a mistake and their families had to suffer through a day of herding cattle. Live and learn right? Except they always seem to forget the learning part. Kitty and Santa arrived in Bangkok just to jump on a train a few days later and head to Northern Thailand, Chiang Mai! WOO!! They went to the train station and smiled politely to the attendant, 2 tickets to Chiang Mai please! “No Chiang Mai train, NEEEEXXXT!” Santa quickly stepped in, her normal panic state “I’m sorry, what?” “Chiang Mai train no working now. You take bus, upstaits. NEEEEEXXXTT!” They stepped away from the front desk and were quickly approached by an overly nice woman who was trying to help them out of the good of her heart (and a small commission fee if we booked with her, but mostly from her BIG ol heart). Kitty and Santa moved aside to discuss the issue, looks like they were going to have to take the bus either way. Flights were mostly booked and the train wasn’t working, what other options did they have?!
The overnight bus to Chiang Mai was….fancy. “A beautiful double decker bus fully equipped with restrooms, fully reclined chairs, luggage space below, 2 full meals and drinks all included for just $85 one way! The bus departs around 10 PM and gets in at 7 AM so you can enjoy a full nights rest aboard and wake up with a smile in sunny Chiang Mai.” “WOWWW!” Santa’s eyes grew big with excitement as the guy showed her pictures of a tour bus that looked VIP enough for Kanye & Kim to tour in. “Lets do this, lets definitely do this Kitty.” Kittys face was blank and unamused at what this guy just did to Santa. She looked at Santa and said “Lets go outside and talk about this” Santa immideatly thought she was playing hard to get with the guy and jumped up pretending to agree. “Oh, ya. Pssh. We’ve seen better deals” As the girls started to walk away the man at the desk shouted “FOR YOU $45.00! “OK! SOLD! Kitty that’s like half off” Santa jumped with excitment, Kitty still did not look convinced. “Santa, outside. NOW.” The girls walked outside and Kitty was hesitant. Santa agreed but what other options did they have. At least with this they get food, drinks and some sleep. They were saving 1 nights worth of money for lodging and so it would all even out in the end. The girls walked back in and agreed to the VIP bus arrangement. The next day they were off.
They waited in line for what seemed like a very long time to board the bus, “What is taking so long?” As the line grew closer they noticed the bus was short staffed. It appeared a random man was in the luggage compartment, smoking a cig and sweating profusely while trying to load in the luggage. Kitty leaned over and started to whisper to Santa an important bit of information she forgot….”My friend told me that sometimes these night buses are highjacked by thieves and in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep they throw a smoke bomb on the bus that knocks everyone out for real. Then they steal everyones luggage and stuff, and then they leave the bus stranded in the middle of no where. Its happened before, its true.” She leaned away from Santa who was next in line to throw her luggage in the compartment. Santa looked at Kitty in fear and Kitty just nodded with a “I’m so serious right now” face. They boarded the bus, Santa still in a state of shock. “Its a little dirtier than what I hoped for but we still got the food to look forward to!” Kitty said to brighten the mood. She sat down on her rock hard chair and pulled the lever up to test out her seat in fully reclined mode. BOOM. Her seat was basically lying on the seat behind her.”Ooops! Good thing no one was sitting there when I did that” she laughed. As people were boarding Santa looked at Kitty struggling with her seat “Kitty! Put your seat up, these people need to sit down.” Kitty’s face was glowing red, “Its stuck!” “what?!” Santa began to laugh. “I’m serious, it wont move. I’m trying.” People filed in and sat down around Kitty and Santa as they noticed the 2 girls frantically panicking with Kitty’s seat. One guy made a comment about how he was happy he didn’t have the seat behind Kitty, she was a little too comfy for his enjoyment. “I’m not sitting like this on purpose, ITS STUCK!” Kitty squeaked. The man tried to help Kitty but there was no such luck. After 10 minutes of pushing, pulling and smacking her chair it finally sprang into a far too forward position. Kitty went from riding dirty to folded in half. In fear that it was going to get stuck again she let the chair be.
The same man who was smoking cigs and loading luggage came and asked for their tickets and handed them an old child’s blanket for sleeping. Confused at who this man was and what the stain on the blanket was they handed the tickets over. 10 minutes later the man was handing out snacks. Looked like a one man show. Kitty got super excited, I wonder what it is. They were given 2 hoho looking cake treats, one lime green and the other bright pink and a juice that looked to be made of antifreeze. “IS THIS OUR MEAL?” Santa asked. Kitty was absolutely positive it wasn’t. “It said 2 meals, not one. This is a snack for sure. Not a meal” Kitty then politely asked the strange man what was on the menu for the evening dinner. She didn’t eat anything since lunch because she was so excited about the free food. Thai food? Maybe Indian? Nooo it was probably some kind of noodle dish. She rubbed her hands together and tried not to drool. The man looked down at her “Meal one. Meal two” He pointed to each of the colorful weird looking cakes. Santa swears a tear almost fell from Kitty’s eyes in that moment. As she tried to focus on the cakes the last passenger boarded the bus, with a screaming baby and guess where the baby sat, YEP! Right behind Kitty and Santa. This bus ride was going to be a cake walk. Literally. Santa scrambled in her bag for a second, Xanax!! Kitty and Santa popped a stress relieving pill and hoped to fall deep into a coma for 9 hours. As the luggage loader, ticket puncher, waiter got into the drivers seat of the bus they prayed if the robbery was going to happen they would be out for it…Hopefully they would be waking up with a smile on their face in beautiful Chiang Mai in the morning…. (To be continued)
Ashton Kutcher −2 Kitty&Santa −BIG FAT NOTHIN.